Not Her Knight
by Lordess Meep
Summary: They weren't friends, they were merely acquaintances bound together by mutual admiration for Tsuna. But what Haru never understands is why when she needs a sounding board, she always seemed to call him up. Haru x Gokudera.


**A/N: Since most of you guys probably don't even read these, I'll take an opportunity to crack a lame joke here about the title.**

**It is actually a pun on 'Night' and 'Knight'.**

**I warned you guys. **

**Either way, I hope it didn't turn out as bad as I hoped it would! Please take note that while writing this fic, I had only read up to chapter 205, so if anything is off canon-wise, please excuse me. Again, if you any errors, grammatical or otherwise, feel free to point them out!**

**Also, the tenses change quite a bit so there are bound to be mistakes there… grammar Nazis are most welcome!**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Katekyo Hitman Reborn and its wonderful art belongs to Amano Akira-san. I just like to play with his adorable characters.

* * *

**Not Her Knight**

* * *

When Tsuna and Kyoko announced their engagement, Haru was, unexpectedly, leading the cheers that echoed in the wake of Tsuna's flustered words. She put on a bright smile as she looked at everyone _but_ the happy couple and no one quite sensed something off. Not Bianchi nor I-pin, both seated on either side of her.

And Haru was happy in a way since she had virtually no attention pivoted on her.

She refrained from taking even a sip of the celebratory champagne that was brought in by the Cavallone family – she needed to be sober to get through this, lest she say something unsavoury. After all, Haru had been told, on more than one occasion, that she had a very loose tongue.

People went up to congratulate the Tenth and his bride-to-be but before Haru could gather her courage to do the same, she was cornered by the two of them. Kyoko looked at her with large amber eyes, her pretty mouth a grim slash and Tsuna played with his hands, obviously nervous.

"Haru, I-" Kyoko started at the same time as Tsuna but Haru cut them off.

"Congratulations!" she said, a tad too cheerily.

They didn't seem convinced and each frowned sadly. So Haru only upped the wattage of her smile and hugged her two friends. Both of them patted her back awkwardly and then she drew back.

"Come on guys, I was just joking then!" she said, referring to her constant war cry in the older days. Something about being the Tenth's wife.

Kyoko and Tsuna shared a quick look as Haru waved their worries aside… or attempted to.

"You can't have taken me seriously then?" she put on a flabbergasted tone and was surprised at how well she pulled it off, "Now could you guys go and look a little more happy? That's not what an engaged couple looks like."

"Haru, thank you." Tsuna said sincerely and Kyoko too smiled, evidently cheered up by her words. Haru simply waved as they dissolved into a crowd of well-wishers, glad her farce had gone well.

The rest of the party was a bit of a blur. Haru didn't eat as much as she would've liked, neither did she drink any so keeping up a happy face was a bit of a chore. The festivities continued till about eleven at night when the party broke up and people began scattering in different directions.

She waved everyone goodbye – Yamamoto enthusiastically shouting his farewell to all; Ryohei punching his fist in the air while Hana looked down, ashamed; Dino and his Family taking off in a chopper; Lambo, I-pin, Fuuta and Bianchi leaving in an expensive convertible whereas Hibari and Chrome each sauntered off to god knows where – and sighed when her façade finally came off.

She and he were amongst the last few people to leave.

He insisted on taking care of the payment like any good right hand man should while she loitered around outside the building. It was unexpectedly cold and Haru regretted not bringing a thicker coat with her.

When he finally descended the steps of the joint where they'd just had dinner, she was quite sure he hadn't seen her. She liked the advantage it gave her, so she stepped out of the darkness and grabbed on to his wrist.

"I want to eat ramen."

If he was surprised at her and her senseless request, he didn't show it. He sighed, just like he sighed when he picked up another obligation to take care of.

"But first I want to pick up some cakes."

Gokudera glared at her angrily, raking equally furious fingers through his silver hair and she knew he was biting down on a comment about her bottomless pit of a stomach. He didn't know she hadn't actually eaten, so she let the affront slide, in favour of his company.

* * *

They were fifteen when Tsuna came clean to her about being in love with Kyoko.

Haru wasn't surprised – her maiden's intuition was fairly reliable.

She had seen him look at Kyoko the way he had never looked at her. To be fair, Tsuna usually ran from the mere shadow of her. When she was older, Haru admitted that it was her own fault because she managed to be a bit too overbearing.

She recalled tears, tissues and soothing words from Tsuna, none of which did even a little bit of good.

Haru even remembered how she had thrown a hissy fit, even when Tsuna said that she was the first person he ever admitted his shameful secret to. It was probably a measure of how much trust he placed in her but Haru hadn't really cared then.

She had just run off, hoping he'd chase her down and tell her it was all a lie or something like that.

Her naivety came back to bite her in the ass when someone _did_ come chasing.

She was happy for a moment, satisfied that her childish fantasy was coming true, but she didn't stop. She didn't stop till she was exhausted but the person tailing her was faster and she felt a strong hand on her shoulder, impeding any progress.

Haru whirled around only to find silver hair and emerald eyes, not a trace of brown anywhere.

"Could you _stop_ worrying the Tenth?" Gokudera had begun his rant, interspersed with a lot of shoulder shaking and cursing. Haru wasn't entirely sure how she was supposed to react to it. She heard a few bits about how Tsuna cared for her and she wanted to laugh at the farce his underling was peddling.

When she called Gokudera out on it, he immediately rushed to defend Tsuna.

A shouting match ensued and years later, when Haru looked back at the event, she admitted that that was the precise reason she liked Tsuna – how he was capable of caring for anybody who sought solace with him (or didn't), evil inclination be damned.

It was nearly sunset once they ceased their yelling and Haru burst into tears again, unable to form a coherent response. She didn't ask him to, but Gokudera saw her home anyway. She cried the entire way there, and even when he left her on her doorstep, she didn't stop. Short tempered as he was, he snapped.

"Oi, stop your infernal whining, stupid woman! It's not like the world is ending."

Haru's sobs softened and she looked at him, surprised. She watched him walk away, his hands in his pocket, clearly muttering profanities in an undertone. Almost as an afterthought, he added loudly.

"Besides, you look ugly as hell when you cry!"

* * *

A cheesecake, two chocolate mousses, a slice of mille-feuille, three servings of mont blanc and an entire blueberry cake later, Haru was quite certain that he was getting increasingly annoyed – if the constant staring was any indication.

He was tapping his fingers restlessly, his eyes darting from her purchases to the girl transferring them into boxes. The girl in question was absolutely terrified – Haru could see her hands shaking as she packed up her things. When she finally rang them up, Haru paid her and smiled at her extra-nicely, hoping to offset the trauma her companion had caused.

"You are model in patience." She commented sarcastically as they left the shop but he ignored her.

"Pick your poison." He said instead, flourishing a palm towards an assortment of noodle joints.

She pointed at a homely looking shop which probably sold cheap noodles that happened to be surprisingly delicious, judging from the crowd, but he dismissed her choice. He dragged her to a more expensive looking place with traditional Japanese setting and individual rooms – probably a place to hold business meetings or for an intimate date – and she protested. He didn't listen to her.

So, she stood in front of the place uselessly, clutching her baked goods as if they were a lifeline (and in a sense, they were) while he brought out his most charming smile for the hostess. The woman, enamoured almost immediately, led them to a room despite the long line outside.

He had his ways, she admitted.

And then she laughed when the hostess said something about a couple's special as did he, as if it was the most hilarious thing in the world.

Then the bright red lips of the hostess curved into a frown.

"I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow outside goods."

Haru decided that the woman wasn't sorry at all – the mean glint in her heavily made-up eyes said otherwise – and was half happy too, since it meant that they were going to have to leave with an excuse in hand.

But Gokudera wasn't having any of that.

Employing that same disarming smile, he shook her hand.

"Yes, of course. They weren't here."

Haru noticed the woman hastily stuffing a five thousand yen note he had slipped her down her kimono.

"Yes sir."

They placed their orders and Haru was surprised at the variety they offered. She opted for a katsudon instead whereas he picked snacks – yakiniku, takoyaki and fried shrimp – and an expensive case of sake. The hostess bowed and left.

They sat down around the kotatsu, facing each other and Haru lightly placed her cakes on the table. It was silent, unlike the usual chatter that she usually brought with her. So, she frowned slightly and traced light patterns on the wood.

Gokudera, on the other hand, began making himself comfortable.

He took off his blazer, loosened his black tie, folded his sleeves and tied his hair back into an infinitesimal ponytail. She grinned then, observing him lightly. It was a casual affair they had to attend earlier in the evening, so Haru had picked a pair of jeans, a dressy top and stilettos; whereas he was the complete opposite, insisting on a suit, complete with dress shoes. He reasoned that the Tenth's right hand man should look as such.

Haru didn't deny that he looked good but she didn't see it as a necessary evil of being the second-in-command.

They didn't speak for a few more moments.

"You're taking this better than I expected." He threw out, folding his blazer neatly.

Haru was incensed at first, the concern in his voice; and second, how everyone expected her to break down into a blubbering mess.

"So are you." She countered smugly, "No more private time with the Tenth, huh?"

She was delighted at having touched a vein for he directed the full force of his emerald irises on her. It was almost amusing at how comically dedicated he was to Tsuna though she was no better. Haru found it easy to cope with things when she thought about how he, too, must be hurting.

"Don't degrade the meaning behind my words." He spat, "I am happy for him."

"As am I."

Their positions established, they didn't speak again till their food arrived.

* * *

They were sixteen when a very embarrassed Tsuna blurted out his confession on their school gates. A blushing Kyoko responded in like and all was great. Haru, who was returning from her school to see Kyoko, was less than happy about this development, despite the fact that it was something inevitable.

And to think that she had _almost_ deluded herself into believing that she still had a chance with him.

So she'd grinned brightly at them before quickly running back home.

She was no athlete, so her impromptu exercise had left her exhausted and sweaty whereas her tears had left her breathless. She was glad that her parents weren't home and Haru had showered and changed her clothes, all the while bawling loudly.

She didn't want to give anyone an explanation.

She was in the midst of devouring a slice of cake in her freezer – left there for emergency purposes – when she heard the door bell ring. She finished her treat, put away the plate, completely uncaring about whoever was on the door.

"If you didn't want me to help you, you shouldn't have called me over, stupid woman!"

Haru was glad that she had someone to direct her anger at, even the said person was only here because she had muttered something about needing help with her studies.

"Stop calling me that!" she had thundered as she banged open the door.

He was surprised and was about to retort when she suddenly burst into tears.

She hadn't expected it but, unlike the last time, Gokudera was quite nice about it. He made her tea to calm her down and not passed a single comment about how ugly she looked when she cried. He even escorted her to her bedroom to tuck her in.

Normally Haru would've reacted differently at his almost chivalrous behaviour.

"Yeah, so, get well soon."

He rubbed the back of his neck, passing off her outburst as a case of cold and turned to leave. And not being in the right state of mind, Haru had caught on to the back of his jacket.

"This is not a good idea."

His tone was unsure and cautious but she wasn't quite listening.

Haru wasn't the self-destructive type – she was the kind that fought back aggressively when slighted. But in her current predicament, she hadn't the slightest idea what or who she was supposed to battle against, or if she was to fight at all.

So when she kissed Gokudera, Haru was hoping to find an answer.

She didn't.

Later in the evening after she had cooked dinner for her family and conveniently skipped the meal herself, Haru hugged a pillow to herself as she slid into her covers. She mentally tabulated what had happened earlier in the day, on the very bed and found several things lacking.

For one thing, her first time was supposed to be on a bed adorned with rose petals. For another, it was supposed to be someone she wasn't in love with. Finally, it was supposed to be Tsuna – though she hadn't quite reached that stage in her imagination – not Gokudera.

Because, despite most things, Haru was surprisingly traditional. That's why she was in love with the plain, non-threatening, dependable Tsuna. She didn't quite understand the appeal of a bad boy – they were hot-headed, bad-mouthed, chain-smoking and horrible individuals.

Or maybe it was just Gokudera.

After Haru had completed the assessment, she cried tears of regret.

She was certain things weren't supposed to happen this way but they had and she had let herself be swept away in the self pity it brought with itself. Despite how bad Gokudera was, Haru was certain that if she'd asked him to stop he would've stopped and even apologized for good measure.

But, in that moment, Haru had merely wanted to test out just how far she could push herself out of her comfort zone; she hadn't actually meant for any of it to happen.

Nevertheless it had and Haru tried her best to adjust with the rapidly distorting reality.

So, next morning when she saw Tsuna and Kyoko after school, she smiled brightly again. She was absolutely fine till Gokudera came barrelling in, interrupting the light conversation with a loud declaration of how great it was to see the Tenth before turning his eyes towards her.

And then time stopped.

She could deal with Tsuna and Kyoko but she had no idea what to do with Gokudera. She didn't know what she had to say or how to act… however, what Haru did know was that there was no way they could behave unnaturally.

But Gokudera was having none of that.

"Oi, stupid woman, can you not make the Tenth stand in his heat for so long?"

Haru felt anger but a part of her was almost relieved at how normal everything was between them. Tsuna and Kyoko walked forward, engrossed in conversation, while she and he lagged behind. Haru met his eyes and he rewarded her with one of his rare boyish grins, a hand momentarily patting her back.

It wasn't much but it was probably better than anything he could ever articulate.

They never spoke of it again.

* * *

(In mixed company, that is – Haru fiercely denied that the whole thing had ever happened but Gokudera liked to call it 'The night he finally shut Miura Haru up' despite the fact it wasn't night time then)

* * *

Now, currently twenty-five, Haru cried joyfully as she admired her katsudon.

"Itadakimasu!"

"Seriously, you don't need to be so loud."

Gokudera skilfully snatched a large portion of the pork cutlet in her bowl and chewed on it thoughtfully.

"And _you_ need to stop stealing my food!" she countered, shielding her noodles.

"I'm paying for it, so, actually, it's my food too."

Haru then grinned broadly.

"You're paying?" she said, in mock wonder.

"Yeah, what gentleman lets a lady pay?"

She laughed this time, taking care to put her chopsticks away lest she stain her clothes.

"Okay, who the hell are you and what did Dino-san do to you?" she threw out between chortles and thought for a moment, "You're no gentleman."

His eyes narrowed.

"Can you just take the good things gracefully? Let me eat in peace." He roughly bit into a fried shrimp, "Besides, you're no lady either."

She shut up then, but continued grinning at him over her noodles. Gokudera was never good with teasing and she concentrated on her food instead. He poured out a cup of sake for her and she shook her head to thank him. Haru wasn't good in heavy environment – she didn't want to begin wallowing in self pity again – and conversation with him was a good distraction.

* * *

They were eighteen when they ended up in the same university.

She was getting her class schedule when she bumped into him, papers flying everywhere.

She opened her mouth to reprimand him when he spoke.

"Watch where you're going, stupid woman."

And instead of telling him off, Haru grinned brightly, glad to have company. She then cocked her head and regarded him, utterly confused.

"Hey, why aren't you with Tsuna-kun and Kyoko?"

He looked sheepish as she mentioned them and he handed her things back to her before replying.

"Yeah… Shamal suggested that I could be more useful to him if I studied something which will be helpful to the Vongola in the future. I thought about going to a place I can keep an eye on the Tenth but then he has the baseball freak with his baseball scholarship there already."

She almost laughs at how mature he sounds.

"I mean, what are four years, right? Besides I _am_ the smarter than the baseball freak… I have to show the Tenth my support by studying hard!"

He ran off then, making no empty promises about meeting in the campus sometime.

She isn't surprised when she learns from Yamamoto that he is studying weapons engineering.

They almost never meet – except in hers and Kyoko's shared apartment or someplace where all of them gather together. Birthdays, anniversaries and vacations were about it. Sometimes they met in case of crises regarding the Vongola Family with Reborn presiding over discussions but Haru always felt patently useless in those situations.

They weren't friends, Haru decided – they were merely acquaintances bound together by mutual admiration for Tsuna. But she never understands why is it that when she needs a sounding board, she always seemed to call him up.

What surprises her even more is when he always manages to show up.

* * *

She finished her noodles and set them aside before helping herself to his snacks.

She was chewing on a slice of meat when she heard a click.

Haru looked up to see a cigarette loosely stuck in his mouth as he struggled with his lighter to light it. He fixed her with an unsure, doubtful look before taking a long drag from it and then relaxing. He blew out a plume of smoke and watched it as it lazily spiralled upwards before dissipating.

Haru reached across the table and, seeing her action, Gokudera took the cigarette out of his mouth and put it out of her reach so she couldn't put it out in an ashtray. She could see his defiant glare as it screamed that he'd smoke if he wanted to, so she merely smiled when she made her request.

"Give me one of those, Hayato."

Gokudera's expression was part surprised, part confused as he processed the sentence. It was a simple statement but he didn't know which part he wanted to tackle first. So, he took out a stick and pointed it at her with a tortured expression.

"Don't call my name like that, woman. It's creepy."

She stuck the cigarette he offered in her mouth and she leaned across the kotatsu for a light. Gokudera complied with shaky digits. Haru took a deep drag and hacked up a storm of grey smoke almost immediately.

"I have _no_ idea why you do this regularly." She commented and put out her cigarette in an ashtray while Gokudera laughed with tears in his eyes.

"You're not a smoker, so I suggest you _never_ do that again."

"I think I'll take your advice." She said, adjusting her short bob while he regarded her.

"You're doing well, you know that?" he remarked as he took a sip of sake and mulled over it briefly.

There was something in his words which made her come undone, piece by piece. Maybe it was the touch of pride with which he said them or maybe it was because it was _him_… but Haru felt a tear slide down her face. And then another. And then she started sniffling lightly.

He noticed for he shifted to the corner of the table near her a bit cautiously, as if unsure of her reaction.

"And I _just_ told you, you were doing good."

His tone was annoyed and she attempted a smile which devolved into a grimace.

"I don't want to be mature about it."

She felt more tears leak from behind closed eyelids and she didn't care about her running make up. After all, he'd seen her at her worst already – this was nothing new to him.

"Nobody asked you to be."

"You know, for a smart person you are pretty stupid." She blubbered, most of her remark lost. He understood her somehow and even managed to glare at her angrily.

"Do you know how much effort goes into being civil to you?"

"We are adults, so I've to deal with it like an adult."

"I have no idea what you're saying anymore."

He continued polishing off the rest of his snacks, a steady hand patting her back. Haru watched him as he ate, chewing absently, evidently lost in thought. She ignored the smaller pastry box and opened the larger one instead, offering him a fork and taking one herself.

"How much can you cry?" he questioned, stealing the first bite of the cake for himself, "You look ugly."

Haru sputtered a weak laugh at his bluntness – she could always expect him to tell her as it was, without sparing her feelings. She withdrew hand mirror from her clutch, viewing the damage. She grimaced at the thick black streaks running down her cheeks and with a napkin, wiped away most of her makeup.

She smiled at him then, tears still not stopping and he massaged his forehead.

It was a habit, Haru had come to realize a long time ago, a habit that she convinced herself that she was in love with Tsuna. It was similar to a few of the rituals that she held on to for a semblance of control over her sanity, like hers and Kyoko's monthly appreciation days. It was comforting, like a security blanket to fall back to, where all bad events were reset to zero.

So Haru wasn't crying because heartbreak hurt like a bitch…

(at fifteen it did, but not anymore)

…but because she couldn't understand where she wanted to start picking up the pieces from.

* * *

During their time at the university, she and he meet infrequently – sometimes months passing before they speak face-to-face.

Haru never counts the numerous Vongola gatherings because they rarely even encounter each other on one of these.

But, time and again, Haru calls him up anyway and he turns up anyway.

They always meet at an almost deserted park with meagre light, exactly in between her place and the apartment he shares with Tsuna and Yamamoto. He always murmurs something about having 'only five minutes' but when she starts talking and he lights up a cigarette, he leaves only after she is done musing and he has left her on her doorstep.

He never quite talks about himself but he complains about Yamamoto's frustrating optimism and perfection when prodded. Sometimes he sings praises of Tsuna but he never touches on the subject of his family, especially not Bianchi. Neither does he talk about any of the girls she knows he has around.

Haru knows better than to ask him about it – just like he ignores all her brown haired, brown eyed, non-threatening boyfriends.

What puzzles Haru is that when they sit together on a bench, he always leaves a sizeable gap between them. Or how he always deals with her in a detached manner, never quite letting his guard down even though they'd known each other for years. And what really confuses her is when, in those rare moments, they are very close to falling back into an old pattern of giving in to their baser instincts, he never lets it happen.

She doesn't really let it bother her because she found it easier to not think about it – there were some things better left untouched.

When they are twenty, she finally understands why.

It wasn't an operation where Kyoko and she had to come along but they went anyway, despite knowing they were probably impeding progress. Haru was always nervous during these times because the whole mafia situation hadn't quite sunk in – despite all the time that had gone by.

She remembers how they were in one of those abandoned lots where the mafia, stereotypically, conducted shady businesses, staring at the entrance to the factory as if expecting a monster to emerge. Yamamoto checks his watch frequently and Tsuna taps one foot impatiently.

Finally, they make their way inside and she and Kyoko are at the tail end of the group. I-pin follows them, keeping sharp for any threats. They stop some ten metres in and she and Kyoko exchange a confused look.

Gokudera comes staggering with a faint smile on his face and Haru notices scratches on his face and a particularly deep one on his forehead, gushing blood, matting his hair. Before Tsuna and Yamamoto can reprimand his single minded, thoughtless charge into enemy territory, he collapses.

And that's when Haru gets a better look at him.

She suppresses the nausea which comes when she sees the stab wound on his side which is bleeding profusely, staining his clothes and the shrapnel from his own dynamite's damages embedded in various places. His leg is twisted at a strange angle and Haru suspects it broken. He opens his mouth and coughs up blood before speaking.

"Tenth…" his voice is weak, wispier than she had ever heard it, "I'm sorry. But I'm glad I get to die for you."

He loses consciousness then, his smile still in place and Haru feels all thought leave her. The only thing that remains prominent is the panic that claws at her throat.

Tsuna is more pragmatic than she had expected him to be, so she is surprised when he bends to cradle his friend's head and checks his pulse.

"Haru, Kyoko-chan," he says in a level voice that belies his rage, "Please get him to a hospital as soon as possible. Call Shamal-san on the way. Lambo, help them."

She slowly makes her way to the head of the party. Before she can comply with the job given to her, she glances at the five people who've already begun walking.

It is almost unnerving how terrifying their stance looks.

Tsuna walks with his back straight and proud, his face expressionless; Yamamoto's mouth is a grim slash as he grips on to his katana; Ryohei shoves his bandaged hands down his pocket lest he punch something inadvertently and I-pin clenches her fists. Its Bianchi who scares her the most when multiple empty steel barrels spontaneously dissolve into bubbling poisonous muck right as she passes by them – a measure of just how angry she was.

Haru doesn't know how she functions – but she is glad that her body goes on auto-pilot and takes care of everything. Bianchi throws the keys to her convertible to her and she manages to catch them with fumbling fingers. Lambo helps them carry Gokudera to the backseat and retrieves the first aid box from the trunk before running off to join the rest of the attack party. Haru volunteers to drive.

Kyoko takes her duties as a medic better than expected and she gets to stopping the blood flow almost immediately. Haru takes about ten seconds to get to the driver's seat and she chastises her own weakness in that time. Then, right before she drives off quickly, she looks in the direction of her friends and says a small prayer for their safety.

She has no idea how she manages to drive in the afternoon heat, without letting it distract her. She listens to Kyoko repeat directions that Shamal was giving them over the phone and parks haphazardly before helping Kyoko carrying him over the threshold of the hospital. She doesn't know where she manages to drag all that strength out from either.

When the hospital staff take him off their hands, Haru leaves Kyoko in-charge of paperwork.

Its selfish but she barricades herself into a stall in the ladies room before she can comprehend things.

She sits on the toilet seat, hugs her knees to herself and tries not to hyperventilate. She then realizes his blood was still on her hands and she practically skins herself trying to get it out. Haru feels tears on her cheek then – not because she is afraid that he might be dying but because she has never felt so utterly helpless in her entire life.

She gets a hold of herself some five minutes later and returns to Kyoko's side.

She takes over from her then, pushing Kyoko towards a vending machine, and briefs Dr. Shamal when he barges in. She fixes him with her angriest look when she suspects him of opening his mouth to say something about 'not attending to men' but he doesn't.

A half hour later, she sits in one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs and Kyoko hands her a coffee. They don't speak till Tsuna and the others burst through the hospital doors some three and half hours later. Neither of them suffers from injuries requiring anything beyond basic first aid and she is briefly glad.

No one moves from the waiting room till Shamal announces that Gokudera has been placed in the ICU.

Haru takes it upon herself to drive most of them back to their respective houses. It takes a lot of convincing but they finally relent, too exhausted to argue. After Haru drops off Yamamoto, the last of them, she feels the weight of responsibility lift and the panic come back.

Yamamoto pauses a bit before getting out of his seat.

"He's going to get better." He states before he leaves, his cheery optimism back in place.

She doesn't smile back but merely waves and she briefly wonders what it would be like to live in his head.

She drives back to the hospital but before she goes in, under the cover of the night, Haru cleans up the backseat of Bianchi's car, a weak attempt to erase the evidence of today's happenings. It's hard to tell if she has done a good job but she convinces herself that she feels slightly lighter.

She persuades Tsuna and Kyoko to return home but Bianchi never moves. So Haru spends the night there, staving off sleep with regular espressos. She doesn't change out of her bloodstained clothes either, not even when Bianchi offers her some from an overnight bag that Kyoko had hastily dropped off.

She doesn't leave till next morning when Kyoko wakes her up to change shifts.

Haru goes to her classes then, despite being unable to concentrate. She changes out of her clothes first, but the dark bags under her eyes give her rough night away. She goes about most of her daily schedule as if in a daze.

The panic never quite leaves her.

On his third day in the ICU, Gokudera wakes up.

To say that Haru nursed him back to health would be a lie since she didn't do a thing. It was actually Bianchi who did so, requesting on overnight stays night after night. She wore a pair of goggles around him, tended to him regularly and even made his meals – not that Gokudera ever got to know the origins of his nourishment. Bianchi took special care to avoid accidently poisoning her brother and she always lied when he shot her suspicious looks, claiming that she had picked it up on a convenience store run.

Haru didn't go to see him till on the second day of his consciousness.

But before she could knock on the door, she heard Bianchi burst into tears and her hand stopped. Peeking through a crack in the door, she saw the Poison Scorpion weeping on her younger brother's shoulder while Gokudera absently patted his sister's hair.

She blubbers something and Haru catches a few words like 'thought', 'dead' and 'you'.

"Aneki…"

His face is crestfallen and Bianchi tells him to never repeat that again. Haru knows that the lesson never sticks, so it is a useless effort to discipline him. She is surprised when he smiles softly instead.

"I can't promise that," he says, his voice hoarse, "I would never mind dying for the Tenth."

Bianchi looks like she wants to punch him but she doesn't.

Haru leaves that day without seeing him.

She doesn't sleep that night either, her brain too muddled up with things.

She arrives the next morning with a bouquet of flowers that she knows will irritate him to no end. She pauses before walking into his room, unsure what she wanted to say. A moment later, she walks in anyway.

An awkward silence ensues when she hands him the carnations.

"S-so… still alive, huh?"

Haru is caught off guard when, instead of throwing her gift in her face, he laughs at her opening line. It is a nice sound which echoes in the room and she lets him continue for a while.

"Believe me, that is the best greeting I have heard since I woke up.", he wipes tears from his eyes and motions her to sit on a nearby chair.

She complies with his request and they talk. Somewhere, Bianchi manages to pop up and he doesn't meet her eyes when he admits that seeing his sister cry was a horrible experience. He talks about his life as a young hitman no one wanted to hire and about his mother. He speaks more than usual during this conversation while Haru listens, occasionally nodding her head and providing an opinion.

She doesn't understand why he chooses to tell her all this and she doesn't assume any ulterior motives behind the innocent action.

He answers her question inadvertently before she has a chance to ask him.

"I have already given my life to the Tenth, you know." He grins when he says this and she feels almost terrified of the intensity behind his words, "I don't think I can promise it to someone else."

There is a moment of silence after his words reverberate within the room and choke her with their weight and meaning.

"You know, I was so sure you were going to cry." He observes lightly, "I mean, even the Tenth cried when he saw me. You didn't even lecture me."

Too many things bubble up in her then but Haru doesn't voice any of them. She takes up an equally light tone to speak.

"And you are way too happy for someone who was almost dead."

He doesn't miss a beat to reply right back.

"Yeah, they pump me full of painkillers you know. I feel as light as a feather."

"Please don't use that expression ever again. It's creepy."

He laughs again but Haru doesn't join him. They sit in silence for a few more moments before she says her goodbye. He doesn't ask her to come again and she doesn't enforce a false promise either. She just absently strokes his hair before leaving and he doesn't pass a comment on her almost intimate action.

Haru avoids seeing any of her friends as she leaves the hospital, taking the stairs. She takes a cab home and doesn't attend any of her classes that day. Her head feels too full of information, her chest feels too full of suppressed emotion. When she reaches home, she locks her room and doesn't come out for the rest of the day.

Haru tries her best to distract herself but she is unsuccessful. She mulls over some bits of their conversation, going over his words and, at some point, the dam breaks. So she cries as she lets her panic claw her bloody and lets her emotions take the better of her.

Somewhere in the midst of her tears, Haru realizes that she was really glad that he was still alive.

* * *

They left the eatery at about two in the morning.

He paid the bill like he had promised before throwing his blazer over her light jacket. It was too large for her and she disapproved of his attempt to treat her like she was something helpless. He didn't listen to her words and gave her a pointed look the first time she tripped over her own stilettos.

So Haru took off her shoes and held them in her hands to prove a point she had long since forgotten.

His hand snaked around her waist to support her unsteady gait. Haru could never handle alcohol well and she slurred a rebuttal against the unfairness of life – how Gokudera was still the more sober of the two, despite having polished off nearly three-quarters of the bottle.

"Fine, I'll carry you."

He had given in, too tired to listen to her whining, and was surprised when she seemed up for it.

"Bridal style, okay?"

Gokudera raised an eyebrow at the childish optimism she harboured.

"No freaking way." He refused instantly, "Too damn embarrassing."

"It's two in the morning." She retorted, the idea taking root in her brain, "There's no one to see you anyway."

"No."

"Come on!"

He finally relented some two minutes later and threw her over his shoulder like a sack. He had walked for a few metres before a very annoyed Haru slid out of his grasp and assured him that she could still walk.

Gokudera laughed at outmanoeuvring her and lit a cigarette in its celebration. His hand still found its way back around her waist and Haru smiled – the gesture seemed almost… protective.

They reached the apartment she shared with Kyoko and Hana and she was glad to find it empty. She collapsed on a chair while he shoved the perishable goods in the refrigerator. He was about to leave after retrieving his blazer but Haru didn't return it.

"Carry me back to my room."

He fixed her an irritated look – she could feel it on her despite the meagre light in the kitchen.

"There's no one here to see."

He wasn't amused.

"I'll give you back your blazer."

"Blazer first." He demanded, not one for trusting things on face value.

Haru was no slouch either, completely wary of his empty promises.

"No way, you'll just leave then."

He gave in, because he couldn't argue anymore and because he just wanted to get to sleep in his own bed. She grinned broadly when he easily lifted her off her feet, draping her form across his arms.

"You're heavy." He complained, not one for staying silent, "Stop eating so much cake."

Haru didn't reply back, choosing instead to throw her arms around his neck to maintain her balance. She was too tired but she still grinned at her shallow victory.

He was no knight in shining armour, Haru knew, because a true white knight would've never passed such a comment. He was like the antithesis of one, a black knight, who basically didn't give a damn about daft concepts such as romance. He didn't have an ounce of delicacy and even less subtlety. The only thing he understood was brutality and lots of it.

He wasn't her knight and he probably would never be.

He turned on her side lamp, flicking the switch with a foot, and he laid her on her bed with surprising delicacy. Before he could draw back to wait at the foot of her bed for his blazer, Haru had caught hold of his loosened tie.

He sighed, almost as if expecting it.

"Still a bad idea, Miura."

She regarded his emerald eyes and the tiredness in them as well as a touch of sincerity and an apology. She couldn't quite get enough of them so she held his gaze a tad longer than she should've. She smiled and he grew tense, almost as if anticipating her response.

"What makes you think I care?"

"You will in the morning."

"It's not like we haven't done this before."

"Do you really want me to take advantage of you?"

"What if I do?"

"That's a really stupid resolution."

"You talk too much."

He eyed her warily and for the first time Haru actually appreciated how handsome he was. She was usually too busy dealing with what was under the skin rather that admiring the pretty package it came in. So when Haru kissed him this time, it was simply because she had been at a complete loss to show him just how much she had appreciated his presence all these years.

He was reluctant at first but then he reciprocated her gesture, his timing slightly sloppy because of the alcohol. She tasted nicotine and alcohol and she finds the familiarity almost as comforting as his expensive cologne. She threaded her hands through the soft hair, nails raking his scalp. He might have murmured her name when she playfully sucks at his bottom lip but Haru chooses to ignore it.

He doesn't let it go any further.

When he wrenches his mouth from hers, she takes pleasure in the amount of effort it takes him to detach himself from her. He sat upright on her bed for several instants and she doesn't waste the opportunity.

She threw her arms around his neck, pressing her body up his muscled back and burying her face in his nape. She felt him grow tense when she lets an elated feeling pass over her, letting it permeate her. The moment passes as she feels her heart rate return to normal and she softly whispered in his ear.

"Thank you, Hayato."

It wasn't love, Haru knew, just overwhelming gratitude she felt because she knew that he always managed to catch her right before she was plunged into a dark, yawning abyss.

She could've sworn he blushed faintly before breaking out of her grasp.

"I told you to stop calling me that, Miura!"

"You deny things too vehemently when you're embarrassed _Hayato_!" Haru replied loudly despite herself.

She heard him lock up her door as he left and Haru noticed that he had forgotten his blazer.

She smiled giddily before wrapping herself in the faint smell of musk, smoke and cologne. It was a familiar scent she had begun associating with a safe haven, so when Haru was completely wrapped up in it, she felt happy and at ease.

It was comforting, like a security blanket to fall back to, where all bad events were reset to zero.

Haru didn't know when she fell asleep but what she did know, when she woke up inexplicably content, was that her blissful dreams had something to do with silver and emerald.

* * *

**A/N: Slytherin?**

**For those of you who don't get it – please note the last line of the last paragraph.**

**Yes, I am all for lame jokes. :D**

**That said, a few errors aside – I hope you guys enjoyed this. Reviews are always appreciated! Thanks for reading! ^-^**

**Also, another quick question - Do you prefer it if Haru were to refer herself in third person or use 'Hahi' in fanfiction? I noticed this much later on but I am unsure of how to incorporate this trait into my writings or if I want to use it at all. Just wanted to hear what others think of this. :D  
**


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